zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”