Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

What

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”