Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?