zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*launders Kohls cash*
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.