Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!