Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Monday Lisa

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.