Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat