Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

lol

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Cool shirt 🙂

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

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