Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD