Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Writing, She Murdered.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.