zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”