Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them