@LlamaInaTux

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

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@LagunaBeachPOV

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

@i_wasnt_looking

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

@English_Channel

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

@amishschool

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

@ziwe

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

@Screwoff315

I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!

@Six_Pack_Mom

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

@Disneyland2go

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.