zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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😂😂😂
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me :
All Day At Night
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear