I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.