Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
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If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
BRO LMFAO
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”