Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
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They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are