Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
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Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.