Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

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My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.


Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!


adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over


Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.


The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers


Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.


If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.


I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN


Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”


10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny