Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬