[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
orange cat behavior
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.