Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
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husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP