Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

ready to be harvested

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.