Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel attacked.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

this has done me in for some reason

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

get you a girl who

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin