[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out