Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Breaking news:

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.