[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
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I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.