Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture