Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Got ya covered

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

the pigeons are already plenty salty

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.