*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car