Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

nothing saves money like being antisocial

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

I might give this a try 😏

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

Alexa turn off the planet

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.