Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

Anarchy

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop