Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

I have no passwords left in me

motivation

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired