Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
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Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.