Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The struggle is real
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
When I laugh on my period
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.