Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.