Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
this will hang in the louvre one day
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬