@golubeerji

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

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@morninggloria

A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets

@UncleDuke1969

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

@michaelianblack

If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!

@ibrownied

Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.

@LackOfShame

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

@seamussaid

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

@bhizzle13

I do it doggy style… as in I spin around three times before I sit on the toilet.