interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this