Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail