Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

Time heals everything 🙂

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

im 7 sauces long

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.