@ArfMeasures

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

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@ProudFFAalumni

My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.

@molly7anne

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

@QwertyJones3

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

@pittdave13

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

@iwearaonesie

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

@Bagyants

Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes

@TheAlexNevil

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

@nattylumpo88

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

@mllebeckyrose

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.