[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol