Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.