Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Morning all.
