[1st day in heaven]
God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music?
G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?
Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
American: I was just at a shotgun wedding
Me: How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.
Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.
every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me