Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.