Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.