wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.


If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.


Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.


You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check


My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.


C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings


I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy


Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.


[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy


When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”