[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?