Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
![]()
You Might Also Like
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Close call…
![]()
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday