Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

This was a bad idea all around

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS