zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
hmm conte-me mais
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋