zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
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KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
The Punning Dead.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.