Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

My typo game is string.

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour