Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose