ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

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*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.


Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.


CAVEMAN 1: i make this. it called fire

CAVEMAN 2: how u do that?!

CAVEMAN 1: um *thinking about how he was making 2 sticks have sex* magic


Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.


White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo


*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?


[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit


If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.