*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
M: You’re welcome.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
CAVEMAN 1: i make this. it called fire
CAVEMAN 2: how u do that?!
CAVEMAN 1: um *thinking about how he was making 2 sticks have sex* magic
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo
*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background
Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.