ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
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As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?