*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
la cocaina
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
New tinder profile pic
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Damn what did I do next
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.