Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.