*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.