Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute