Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol