Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

sensitive skin

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.