Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*