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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
How funny!
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.