Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.