Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people