Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Geez man, take it easy.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.