Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

This is sending me to another galaxy

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*