Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

We need to put an American base on the sun

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”