Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

My favorite farside!!

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”