і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns