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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms