Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET