Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Candles never taste the way they smell

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

What

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.