Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup