Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn what did I do next

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Jupiter

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.