Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.