@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
what’s really going on
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.